We had the most incredible midwife for the birth. When we first met her, we explained our situation, and she used the term “non-gestational mom,” which I’d never heard before. I loved that when confronted with a situation that had been confusing for so many doctors and nurses, she had a perfect, descriptive word for my relationship to my baby, right on the tip of her tongue and didn’t stumble over whether to use ‘non-biological’ or ‘donor’ or something else inappropriate. I’m one of the two genetic moms of my baby, but I’m the non-gestational mom.
I read this and thought of my wonderful friends who will probably do this <3 <3
When you think of your theology and us, remember: I can go get married tonight. To a drug dealer off the street. We can fly off to Las Vegas and make it legal. Legal does not = authentic. Yet we have something authentic and can’t make it legal?
I will confess to you now that if I could engineer a happy accident, I would. I’d pop open a bottle of wine during a romantic dinner at home, and we’d get a little sloppy and a lot careless. But the reality of a same-sex couple is that there are no happy accidents. No amount of wishful thinking or candle light or alcohol can lead to a baby even at the height of fertility. I think back on all the conversations about birth control with my straight friends. “You’re so lucky, Deborah,” they’d tell me. “You don’t have to worry about the expense and hassle of birth control.” “True,” I replied, “but I don’t have sperm on tap.”
The only solution I see, if I cannot live my life obvious (as I once did unthinkingly, without knowing how sweet I had it) — if I cannot not pass — is to come out again, and again, and again. Only now am I seeing the value of practices like National Coming Out Day, for if there is one thing I might claim to know better than my woman-partnered sisters, it is invisibility. I may pass for straight, be seen as a breeder and thereby shoved into a closet again and again every moment of my child’s life, but I don’t have to quietly stay there.
I am happily monogamous with a man. I have a child. And I am bisexual.
So, there was that exclusion [LGBT families were strictly forbidden as potential adoptive parents]. Pretty blatantly, too. For many people it is either insurmountable or requires a certain amount of lying to get around. There is no reason our family should be any more or less eligible to complete the adoption process internationally than any LGBT couple with the same, basic characteristics.
This was actually a hard process for me because I was unsure as to whether or not I wanted to adopt through a program that would not allow other couples to adopt for needless, closed minded, and irrelevant reasons
Earlier this year, Noah, Ash and I spent time talking with our legislators in person, writing them letters, calling (their staff often recognized my voice as soon as I called) to try and get marriage equality and gender identity protection legislation passed in our little state. When it didn’t we were heartbroken, but we came home to protections for our families, while yours still had to go without. I understand laws don’t change hearts, but I also understand how important it is to have them to protect your rights. To protect each other, your families, your children, yourselves.
In fact, I put forth that the true essence of family values is abundant in same sex families. So what really is family values?
Even though conservatives like to define family values as being a “promotion of traditional marriage” between a man and a woman, a 2008 survey found that the majority of Americans (thank goodness for changed thinking) define family values as “loving, taking care of, and supporting each other” and that “society should value all types of families.”